On Letting Our Kids Down by Carol Orsborn, Ph. D.

A friend sent this article to me and I just have to share it. I hope it helps someone who's too hard on themselves to find some peace and serenity in the midst of their struggles. Love is so powerful! We WANT to give so much more than we are able. Just remember God knows our hopes and desires and He is the one in control. One day He will restore all things! - Acts 3:21.
God Bless You, - Just Me.


"On Letting Our Kids Down" - by Carol Orsborn, Ph.D.:

Once a month, I gather with a group of us who are on track to being trained as spiritual directors. While we come from different ages and stages in life, when we dig deep enough, we find we have much in common.

Sometimes, what we address are the joyful themes. But at this weekend's gathering, our conversation turned somber, as we began sharing about various flavors of disappointment regarding our relationships to our children.

Of course, there are children who haven't fulfilled their potential, having difficulty establishing an adult life, doing drugs and worse. But disappointment goes both ways. Adult children as well as their parents express sadness over having lost the closeness they had as a family growing up — or never having been close in the first place. Some feel estranged from family members who live across the country. And then, there are those who do live in close proximity but who still find ways to disappoint one another.

Frankly, by the session's end, I was disturbed. What are we supposed to do with all this disappointment? I asked the group leader if we could speak privately for a few minutes. She readily agreed. We walked together from the meeting room to her private office. I immediately noticed that there were framed photos of her adult children and grandchildren lovingly scattered about. Surely, she would have the answer.

And in fact, she did. But it wasn't what I expected.

"You hope to find the direction you can turn in regards to your children that will not carry with it some degree of disappointment. But no matter how hard you try, it won't be enough. For beneath the push and pull of all the, I wants, I didn'ts, and if onlys, there is an existential disappointment that underlies all the others."

In a nutshell, here's what she told me. There are limitations to what any one can do for anybody else, including one's beloved child. We can not stop them from having pain; create for them a safe, easy world. In fact, we can't deliver on virtually any of the hopes and promises we made in our hearts for our children as we birthed, raised and grappled with the challenge of releasing them to their destinies. The only hope and promise that we can hold onto, through all the disappointments of life, is that we love them no matter what.

I heard her, and it was a lot to take in. But it was getting late, and my guide indicated that it was time to go. As I lingered in front of one of the framed photos, she realized that I still wasn't sure.

We stood there quietly for a moment, and then she started to talk.

"This one..." she said pointing to the photo "is disappointed in me because I'm not as available to her to baby sit as often as she'd like. This one..." she said pointing to another "needs more financial support than I'm able to give. I'd love to be able to send my grandchild to private school, and it hurts that I've had to say I can't." She sighed deeply.
"That is what we women do...our particular greatness. We endure."

I suddenly got what she was trying to tell me. The time had come for me to stop trying to address the problem of disappointment by attempting to defy the core limitations that are built into the human condition.

The only way to do this is to stop attempting to solve disappointments as if they were a problem, and to willingly provide loving space for everything — including our disappointments — in our hearts.

It wasn't the answer I'd been hoping for, but as I noted the unshakeable look of peace on her face as she studied the photos, patted her own heart and hugged me goodbye, strangely, it did not disappoint.